sudden burst of realization

call me silly but i just found out that "you are my sunshine" is a very sad song.

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are gray
you never know dear
How much i love you
Please don't take
My sunshine away...

tell me how can that not be sad? i mean how the persona practically begged for the sunshine to not to go away. worst thing is it is his/her ONLY sunshine. honestly i cried when i heard it... and it played in my head time and time again...

deep in my heart i beg to GOD
please don't take MY sunshine away...
i can't live without it,
my whole world be dark and gloomy,
i will be lost,
please oh please don't take away my sunshine...
i really really need it...

tired

"eyes hurt, hands shiver"
- hush hush by PCD

i have no idea but lately i feel like there's a huge boulder resting up my shoulder. i am tired physically, mentally and emotionally and i have no idea why. i feel like i am the greek god atlas carrying the globe on his back (although it was a huge misconception towards the greek god)








i have no idea why i feel like this. i want to talk about it but i have no idea who would listen to me and not being judgmental or relate it to him/her or think that he/she had caused it.
because i have no idea why i feel this way.
i wish i could be someone who could blame everyone and everything for making me feel the way i do.
i can't because i am not like that.

i wish that i could just scream and then vanish and start things over again. like reborn or something like that.
but i can't because i am don't have that sort of power.

i wish i could stop wishing and move on.

i wish i could be me and not care about lotsa things anymore
money, feelings, other people...
i hate being considerate when other people just does not consider me at all...

i wish i could consult someone or something and be certain when i have doubts.

i wish...

i wish...

i wish...

i wish whoever created the word wish didn't create it because wishing is makes people hurt especially when he/she knows that i will not happen at all...

screw whoever created that bloody word!
rot in HELL!!!!!!

nuff said!

The Call

this past few weeks have been an eventful one this includes;
1. i changed my job
2. i met my sister after a looooooong while
3. i had the talk with my other half and
4. i receive the call (althought it was not what i had been waiting for but it is still something interesting)

so i was doing sudoku on my bed at about 12.30 am when suddenly my phn satrs to sing Christina's new song, "Keeps Getting Better", that indicates someone is calling me.
"hello, Cham here," said the male voice
"cham who?" i was extremely blur
"Cham didi" replied the man
and then a very familiar voice came on the background
"you don't even know us anymore! how ungrateful!"
at that moment i realize who that guy was.
"yes papa bao, how may i help you?"
"are you free now or are u having any major examination or anything?"
"i am free as a bird" i ommited a small detail abt me working
"here talk to your sis" we called her sis because she is older that we are and she is like a sister.
"how dare you, haven't call us and u guys just kep quiet... how ungrateful." quiet and then she laughed.
"okay here's the deal. if u are free i need you to act in a new drama series with Malaysia's number one male actor. you will be sparring with him." he favourite word is sparring it makes mne feel like i will be kicking the guy's a** or something.
"it will be showed on january 1st 09 during the Samarinda slot."
i was hypervantilating...
i need air
i need... i have no idea i was excited!
"yeah sure i am free... oh thank you thank you thank you" i don't know how many times i said thank you to her.

it is one of my dreams to be acting in that drama slot. i mean it's kinda primetime and people loves that slot. it's my breaking point. howe can i not be excited

"you and Ian was selected to be part of this series" SELECTED? was she serious? selected
that's a huge word!

then she said i'll text u the details later.

and there i was all excited and i can't sleep
i called my other half and i can hear how proud the person is...

and that makes me happy...

in a nutshell

God has a very funny way in giving what you want. have faith and it will come. Praise Allah my prayers have been answered and i will do my best to go farther!

nuff said!

question existing

now i'm being bitter... don't like it stop reading or else just deal with it!

i don't know why but i think it is UNIVERSAL RULE stating that:

"everything can do pretty much anything such as throw their tantrum, being bitter, mean, complain, achieve greater heights in life, etc., but not he has to present good behaviour, attitude, be extremely patient and be very durable to anything that comes towards him."

i mean what the hell... whenever i become slightly bitter people would say "hey why are u behaving like this?" or "awh c'mon don't make a big fuss about it" it seems as though i am the kind of person who LOVES to throw tantrum around... ARGHHH!!!!

i hate this feeling it makes me feel like good girl gone bad so what? i mean girl or boy i am still human doesn't it mean that i have the privilege to misbehave or something i am after all human i come with flaws... and when i feel like it, i feel like i want to breakin' the dishes so that people know what i am feeling you know?

i am the kind of person who lives by "if they can do it, why can't i?" so if i do things that other people do why can't i? why don't you shut up and drive and for once let me do something human like complain or being impatient, when i talk about something or ask about things i just want to get it out of my system it's not like i want to know the answer a simple "i don't know" would suffice. when it's out of my sistem i will take a bow and i will pick up the umbrella and go dancing in the rain.

sometimes i feel like i am living in disturbia where everyone and everything expects the best out of me when all i can give is disappointment. i feel like i want to cry

all that's been said and done please don't stop the music i am happy with whatever that i have now and whatever i am facing and have now i am thankful. just sell me candy once in a while and make me happy. i am trying to make every1 happy very much. if not i will be to stressed out and i have to be admitted to some rehab . not good...

i am feeling slightly better now it's all out of my system...

i am back to normal hehehehe

nuff said...

peace

the letter D

do u know that there are many negative words that came from the letter D? to add that up, even the location of the letter is not so good. it's the 4th letter and according to chinese belief, 4 is realted to death (yup the word death starts with the letter D). Under D u can find;
devastation, desperation, death, deprivation, de-motivated, doubt, devil, deny, dangerous, disgusting and also DISAPPOINTMENT.

yup disappointment...

it's hard word to anyone....

"you're such a disappointment" that sentence itself could send anyone to an extreme nervous breakdown.

i am throughly disappointed with a dear friend of mine. i mean what have i done wrong to him that he treats me this way? UGH! i have tried being the best friend that he could ever have. when he was hungry, my family fed him (although his family is well enough to fed him). when he needs a place to stay i without hesitation provide him shelter for the night. but is this they way he repays me? if this is the way, i suggest just keep it to yourself...

i am sitting here staring at the screen and the blinking cursor thinking of what am i going to write... my head is throbbing, my heart is aching, and i just can't focus...

my other half... i need you and i miss you so much...

i guess i should stop here...

and my dear other half... you are not a disappointment, you never disappointed me, and you never disappoint me...
however, i felt like i am the BIGGEST disappointment that ever walks the surface of the earth...

i wanna eat!

nuff said...

word of the day: host material

have u ever wanted to be a part of something that you dream about it day and night?
well i have. mine is to be a part of the quickie team. since the day i watched it in 2004, i said to myself "damn i would love to be part of this".
apparently the opportunity came knocking on the door (not really la) when they announced that they are looking for new faces to be apart of the quickie team. i said to myself... this could be the chance of a lifetime.
so i emailed them my personal details along with several pictures and a video, just to amuse them.

along the way, i asked around for anyone who knows anyone in 8tv, i mean i really want to be in this i would do just about anything, apparently and less that i know my lovely sister has an old friend in there. jokingly i said "can you talk to your friend so i can make it?" with a serious face she said "sure, i'll see what i can do" my heart skipped a beat.

as days go by, i continued my work in the department store. when one day i received a call from an unknown number. i got suspicious. i answered it cautiously
"hello" i said
"hello, may i speak to ... "
"speaking" i answered while rushing to the closest fitting room. in there i heard she said;
"i am calling from 8tv..." from that moment my heart is beating like 808 (whatever that means thanks to miss britney spears)
"...quickie and i would like to inform you that you have to come over to 8tv for an audition." she said it with a tinge of giggle. i guess she can hear me smile on the phone.
with full of excitement i answered "sure definitely! when?"
"the audition is on thursday or friday from 11 am till 4 pm"
"what should bring?" just to make sure
"nothing" giggle "just bring yourself"
"all righty then. thank you sooo much!"
"you're most welcome"

after i hang up, i went out of the fitting room and hug everyone who stands in front of me. the i grabbed the store phone and called my someone to share the good news. then after, i called my sister to thank her for her help. she said
"you're a day too late to say thanks to me"
"then i said, i thanked you yesterday right?
"oh yeah... but... why today?"
"because... they called me and wanted me to come for the audition"
"OH MY GOD!!! congratulations... now u go and wow them and make sure you made it okay"
"yes i will... i will do whatever in my power to wow them"

then a few moments later, i received a call from 8tv again telling me that my audition is rescheduled to monday or tuesday. i told them i am definitely coming on monday. then i asked her, "erm... what will i do during the audition"
"oh that's simple just imagine that you are hosting the show and we'll see if you have the host material"
then... it hits me...
do i have the host material?

from then onwards i kept on practicing (do not talk too fast, no extreme pacing, do fidgeting) so that i will be comfortable in front of camera.

moral of the story is, dream... dream whatever you want to be and work hard towards it. as cliche as it may sound, trying is winning half the battle. but, since you're in the battle field might as well you give all out and win isn't it?

i am praying to God Almighty that i will do my extreme best and He will help me out to achieve my dream... He had helped me a lot and i still need Him...

amin...

now all i have to do is, give my best shot and WOW them

i do have the Q factor that they are looking for

peace

F for Fortunate

F the 5th letter in the alphabet. so today we are going to talk about things revolved in the letter F

anyways...
working in a departmental store gives you the opportunity to observe people and the environment around you. be it within the management or the whole area of the departmental store.

working here as well had opened my eyes on how FORTUNATE (first word with letter F) some people are. I mean some of these people who shopped here looks like they live a lief out of a FAIRY tale (2nd word). for instance, today i had to serve this guy who looked like a Caucasian but he's not. he is as local as your next door neighbour. with him are two boys (well not really boys i guess... they're about my age so not that boy really). as he entered the shop, as usual i would sat "hello welcome" he nodded

i heard him having this conversation with the boys
"here's Energie, we have guess not far from here, FCUK and Polo, so where u wanna start?" he made it sound as though it was a race... anyhow

the boy said "here..." so the man told me "could you show them some size for your jeans" and i nodded like Noddy.

so the boys made their choices they (we actually only one tried), and he chose two pairs and told me to reserve the jeans so that he could pick it up later.

note: normally 45 out of 150 people would come back for their "reserved" items.

so i put aside the jeans and starts to wonder is the older man their father? uncle? (doesn't look like they are related at all). my head decided to go with maybe he is their pimp.

a few hours later they returned with Guess bags (plural let me remind you)and some other bags from other high end shops.

the boy showed the man the jeans and the man said "which one do you want? how about u take both" from then on i just shut down and turned myself into a drone and ignore eveything...
dammit! how could they be so lucky?

anyhow... i am fortunate myself...
for the first time after more than 10 years, i had my first birthday bash. it's kinda pathetic though because it was my plan and i had to invite most of the guests. however, i am extremely FORTUNATE to have a lover who is really understanding and a star. This person had prepared everything for me; the location, the food, the arrangement.
it's just heartwarming and i felt like i am the luckiest person in the world.
like a friend of mine told "this person knows pretty much everything, this person is a keeper" this i will never forget.

moral of the story is...
we are all fortunate in one way or the other. be thankful of what we have and work hard to have more. don't rely too much on people because they could use it against you. (that's a note to myself too)

enough rambling
full stop.